Saturday, June 15, 2013

a long time ago..

I still remember clearly what happened 5 years ago, i was sitting in living room sofa with my sisters watching tv, it was almost dark. I was still remember when the telephone ringing. me picked up the phone, someone said my dad involved in accident and the victim is injured and we called my dad phone and it was out of reach. we freaked out. we phoned the police and he said different thing. he said, please come to the office. it was very confusing, sad, full of hope and i barely can't feel my feet in the ground. my uncle drove me to the biggest police station and the officer said nothing about my dad. he did not know anything about the accident but he said there's one guy dead reported in another police station nearby.
i'm speechless. even the police officer said he didn't know who is the guy but, i'm so scared to the death. Then, we drove to other police station, along the way, i heard Adzan Maghrib and i prayed, i just want to hug my dad. i prayed till i cried even i didn't know who is the dead guy. all i knew is my dad was in his office. at the time i was arrived, i saw my dad car, parked in front of the station, once i was relieved and when i asked the officer, he said to me to sit down and he give me hot tea and he said the most heart broken word for a daddy lil girl. yes, my dad died that night. he got heart attack when he was in therapy. 

now, while writting this blog, my goal is not to share about my shabby or shallow story, my goal is, Allah is not always answer our prayer. he did not let me hug my dad. i remember that one of my pray also, i will do whatever my dad wanted, what he said what he direct, i'll do it. but yeah, life didn't give you want you want, he give you what you need. 

My dad passed away and my family is never be the same. i always envy my friend who still have their complete family. i'm more jealous if they close with their dad, because i don't have chance to be. i still need him to suggest me everything in my life, i still need him to be with me, i still need him to tell me what should i do, who i should marry, what kind of job is better for me? but no, he's not here anymore. he's out there. 

But, life is funny. 

I turned to enroll University with major my dad picked, i turned to love what he loved. i turned to learn language that he spoke. i become more like him and i'm so damn proud, i can stand still without him. me, who is very depending daddy lil girl. 

I graduated the exact same day last year, 15 June 2012, 4 years ago, this date is nightmare, but i've finished my thesis presentation and my lectures annouced my graduation at the same time. Life is so damn funny.

I did all of this not for him. but for me. i want and always be the daddy lil girl. i don't want to leave that title, i want part of my dad is always part of me. i just want to always be his daughter. That all i can do.